Since my last post I have still been struggling to get out and run.
Unfortunately my nan is still very ill and sadly won’t be getting better. The past seven weeks have been some of the hardest days of my life.
I feel emotionally exhausted.
I’ve been going up to the hospice more and more or going to see my Mum to keep her company. Then when I haven’t done that, rather than running I’ve spent the evening mindlessly watching TV, ordering a take away or having a few drinks.
Getting up to run before work has also been a struggle, instead I’ve preferred to lay in bed for as long as I can before the day has to begin.
As I’d had a bit of a break before this happened I’m now very unfit and have also put a considerable amount of weight on. I’m generally feeling rubbish about myself inside and out.
But the thing is I do know somewhere in my mind that this won’t last forever and that I will be back to properly running again soon – I mean I have to, I’ve signed up to a Half Marathon in October with my cousin to raise money for the hospice Nan’s in.
At the minute running is just harder than it’s been for a long time. I’m also having to drop running plans because I need to do something more important like visit Nan and a lot of the time I just don’t want to go.
Whether that’s because I’m emotionally exhausted or because I feel bad going out doing something that makes me feel happy or because the idea of having that time and space to think about how I really feel is just too daunting. I don’t know.
I’m not sure what’s making it hard but the longer it goes on the harder it is to get back into the habit.
So I’ve decided I’m going to take it one day at a time and try to be kind to myself about it.
And this morning I actually managed to wake up before work and do a slow but steady 5km.
I do feel better for getting out but I do have to remind myself that it’s okay not to be as fast right now. I just need to do what I can when I can and feel proud of actually achieving it.
So here we go: one day at a time.